Am I?
by Strawberry4evr
Summary: Bella left Edward, in more ways than one. Now, he is distraught and stuck in a world he hates. This is a letter he writes to his lost love, finally expressing the feelings he kept bottled up for so long. ONESHOT


_Dearest..._

* * *

><p>No. You're not 'dearest' anymore. Even if you will forever hold the largest place in my heart, you are not <em>my<em> dearest. You haven't been since...

No, it's not quite time for that yet, but we will get there.

I remember the day we met. I can't say I loved you then, no matter how much I want to. You were just the new girl, the one everyone talked about. My sister, Alice, was excited for your arrival but not even her love knew why.

When you sat next to me, I wondered briefly if she had been excited because she had seen me fail. That she had looked into my turbulent future as she always does and seen me murder a room of innocents - children, mostly.

All for you.

I wondered if Alice had been excited to see me fall. _Me_. The one with the greatest control except for our father...

I'm sorry... Just _m__y _father, now. You said you considered him in that way, but was he ever really yours? You also said you could never hurt family. Was he not your family?

You hurt him too, you know. You hurt all of us. That's what I hate most of all. You can hurt me all you want. I've hurt you, almost to a point where we were afraid we couldn't fix you, so I knew I deserved every blow you sent my way. But when I went home only a few hours after I made the call to tell them (I couldn't bare to say it to their faces; as I said, they loved you too) and found that even the ice queen had succumb to the most human of reactions to death, for the first time... I felt rage. I felt a strong, terrifying pulse of pure, unadulterated _hatred._

Not just for that dog, that _man _as you insisted he was, but for you, too. You left me for the enemy. You left me for a dog.

You left me for death.

And I hate you for it.

It's not as though you left just after I came back, which would have been sad, yet it was well deserved on my part and I would have understood. It's not as though you realised when I proposed that we were getting a bit serious and that I - perhaps - was not the one for you. No, it's not as if it was like that all.

I admit the signs were there, but blissfully ignored by myself. It's true, ignorance _is_ bliss. I can only imagine how you must have laughed as I so willingly swallowed your lies that you never believed in marriage. I can only imagine your amusement as the Vile Victorian Gentleman grovelled at your feet for your hand in marriage. I don't have to imagine the lengths I went to to get you to agree, but I'm afraid that, even now, even after your hurtful actions that I still can't imagine the difficulty it must have taken you to swallow your contempt for me and say the one word you knew I was looking for. I wonder if you felt guilt. If you saw my happiness and felt guilty for your blackest lie. Or maybe you just thought I was unworthy of any happiness, and squashed any fleeting emotion.

Or maybe, just maybe, you loved me at that time, but just not enough.

After that day... Looking back, I see you drifting. Your answers became shorter. Your temper flared quicker around me. It got to the point where I would ask you a question, or tell you I loved you and you would just grunt in response. Or say... "I know."

Was that pain, I heard, in your voice? Was my love what kept you stringing me along? I know it was my love that blinded me to your growing unhappiness, even though many would argue that if I loved you at all, I should have realised you were unhappy. But you know what Shakespeare said: Love is blind, and lovers cannot see.

I was certainly blind when it came to you.

As I was saying before, it's not as though you didn't have an opportunity to leave. I gave you several. I gave you a total of twenty four openings to leave me, and there were an additional twelve that I did not intend for you to have. You didn't take any of them. Instead, you left me standing at an alter.

You left on our wedding day. Alice went to your house to pick you up while I was still at the bachelor party with my brothers, and how happy I was, too! Here, I thought that after a century of waiting, I finally have my one and only! My other half! My one _true love_.

But as Alice pulled up outside your house and exited the car I gave her, she froze at the scent of the dog. It took her a few minutes, but she managed to find your scent mixed in with it. She followed it down the road until it stopped. It seemed you had got into a car with him. She couldn't find you.

Charlie found her there. He had decided to look out the window to see if his favourite Cullen had arrived. He saw the Porsche, but no Alice. After going outside, however, he did find her. She was sitting on the pavement some ways down the road, her head in her tiny hands wondering what the Hell had happened and should she tell me and should she cancel the wedding and should she call Carlisle and...

Not even I know what else went through her head at that time, and you and I both know that's saying something.

She got your letter then. The one addressed to me. From her memory I saw that your father handed it to her with a grave, disappointed face, only saying: "She told me to tell you she was sorry." Before pulling my sister into his arms as she cried. Why did she cry, you ask? Well, it's simple really. I know it wasn't her wedding and you probably think she was upset because the whole thing would go to waste, but really, and you should know her well enough to be true, she cried because she trusted you, and you broke that trust while breaking my heart. She cried because you didn't even have the decency to say goodbye, or explain in person.

We were _engaged_, you bitch! That is why she _cried_!

My apologies, but you know how my temper is.

And so, when she finished her crying and gave Charlie a gentle hug, she quickly got back in her Porsche and went back home. "Where's Bella?" Almost everyone asked, alarmed by her expression and body language that was so out of character for her.

"Oh, I don't know," My sister had replied, with a sad, small smile. "Petting some dog, I imagine."

Only my parents and Rosalie knew what she meant, and you better be glad my brothers weren't home at the time. Fragile as you were, they wouldn't have been able to stop themselves from going to try and beat some sense into you.

Alice set the letter on the mantle, put a smile on her face as she prepared to tell the assembled guests that the wedding was off, and awaited my return home.

But what they didn't know, what _none of them_ knew at the time, was that you regretted your cowardice and had called me, telling me to meet you. I did so, on the very edge of the border, you on the other side where I couldn't get you. You were leaning back against him as his arms were protectively curled around your body when I arrived, and I knew then. I knew there was no hope.

You were leaving, and there was absolutely nothing I could do.

It is here that you must give me some credit. I listened, and I stayed on my side of the border as you explained your growing feelings for the dog, and how you did still love me, but it was only after you said them that your words registered. For I was rooted to the spot in a jealous rage as I watched him kiss your cheek and pet your hair as if _you_ were the dog as you talked. At the end of your speech you told me you were sorry for not telling me sooner, but as I looked into your eyes I saw that you weren't sorry for not telling _me_ of your feelings sooner, you were sorry for not telling _him_ sooner.

"What if he imprints?" I had asked blankly. Here was my life, fading away. I had to point out the flaws.

"Then I shall be happy for him," You answered immediately, kissing him lightly with a smile. My dead heart clenched painfully at the sight. Then you turned to me. "As I shall be happy for you if you find someone."

You really didn't believe I loved you, did you? You didn't believe that you truly were my one and only. Vampires can only love once as I loved you. My God, I loved you.

"May I have one last kiss?" I had asked hopefully, and you had nodded with a sad smile, tears brimming in your eyes. The dog growled as you stepped over the border, but you quieted him with a single look. Such control over the animal! You really had him hooked, my dear, and believe me when I say I know the feeling well. I pulled you into my arms for the last time and kissed you lightly on the lips before breaking away. But you hugged me tight to you, and I gratefully returned it.

"Thank you," You squeaked, your voice thick with emotion. "Thank you for letting me have this. I hope we can still be friends."

I pulled away slightly, you still in my arms, and looked down into your eyes. "Of course we can," I replied gently. "I want you to be happy, and if being with him makes you happy then I will not stop you from having that."

"Thank you," You repeated, hugging me tightly once more before going back to his side. He immediately hugged you tightly, smothering you with his scent and trying to stamp out my own... I guess. Then you left with him, and I went to find my brothers.

I ran long enough that the wind washed away whatever remnants of Jacob's scent I may have picked up. My brothers met with me in the place we had said we would, and the two of them ran back to the house in blissful ignorance, only for that to turn to dismay as we arrived to see my family, along with the Denalis, taking down every decoration and dismantling the aisle. They all turned to me in worry, explaining what had happened and offering their sorrow, but I simply shrugged, and said: "I know. Bella met up with me with Jacob this morning. She's left me for him."

Their mouths dropped open, and I just ignored them in favour of going to my room. But when I got there, the tuxedo I was meant to be wearing on that day was laid out across the bed I had purchased for you, so I simply swept it up and flung it haphazardly into my closet. I didn't care anymore. Once it was off my bed I pulled back the covers and buried myself underneath them, burying my face in the pillow. As happy as I was that you were happy, it still hurt that you weren't happy with _me_.

Sometime later, your father arrived at the house, asking to see me. Carlisle and my brothers literally dragged me from the bed and downstairs, where I sat facing Charlie on the white sofas. "Hey kid," He said gruffly. "How are you?"

"I'm alright," I replied easily, leaning back into my seat. Everyone in the room gave me a worried look, the Denalis included.

Charlie looked dubious. "You sure about that?"

"Positive," I sighed, although I'm sure my face showed the opposite. "As long as she's happy, I'm happy."

Sadness, shock and anger passed across your father's face so fast I thought he would have a stroke. Would you feel guilt then, knowing you had caused your father's death? Knowing that it was your decision that had killed him? "If it's any consolation," I added, leaning toward him. "I saw her and Jacob this morning. She's safe, and definitely the happiest I have seen her in a long while."

He stood suddenly, and Carlisle came to stand in front of me just in case your father attempted to strike me. Because he was staggeringly, blisteringly angry, and we couldn't tell who it was projected at. "She met up with you, with that _boy,_ just to tell you she was leaving you for him? And you let her go? Just like that?"

"She's happy with him," I nodded seriously. "Anyone with eyes can see that. I'm not about to deny her happiness or cause her any stress by fighting over her. I'm not Jacob."

At the last comment he pursed his lips, his complexion slowly growing more purple with each passing second. "I can't believe she did that, and I can't believe he comforted _me_ about her well-being" He muttered, looking away from us, clearly unaware we could hear him perfectly. "I can't believe she just rubbed it in his face... I'm going to kill that girl." He looked up at us then, shaking in his rage. "I'm going to go now," He said, then he looked straight at me. "Don't worry Edward. Everything will turn out okay." Then he was gone.

"He has a point," Commented Emmett. "She did rub it in a bit."

I just sighed, and went back to my room. I didn't come out for days; we had graduated, so we didn't have school, you didn't want to see me, or Jacob wasn't letting you, so I couldn't even get up for you. Bella, you quite literally gave me a reason to get up in the morning. Now, without you, I had no reason.

Now, I didn't quite sink into a depression, I just became... detached. I couldn't even bring myself to be mildly upset; I had just lost my whole world. How was I meant to feel _anything_ after that? I suppose I kept expecting you to call, to call and tell me you'd made a mistake, that you loved me _more_. But by the third week... I lost that hope. The sadness and I deep longing for you and your presence set in. Jasper and I both tried to fight it off, but it was useless. I loved you, and I _needed_ you. In the end, my blonde brother had to leave the house because my emotions became too much for him. He didn't and couldn't come back for days, until I finally cried.

Yes, my love. I cried over you. I didn't want to, but I couldn't fight it off. Still curled up in bed, I moved onto my front with my legs folded under my torso. I linked my hands together and placed them over the back of my head, trembling with suppressed sobs. But one broke free of my throat, and the next thing I knew someone's hand was on my back, and another was on my shoulder, pulling me up and towards them. At first I thought it was Carlisle or Esme, but when I saw the wavy blonde hair I thought it was Jasper, so imagine my shock when I found my face buried in silk-clad shoulder. _Rosalie_ of all people was hugging me, and my shock grew as a second pair of arms wrapped around the both of us, holding both Rosalie and I while I cried. I didn't want to cry though, not in front of these two, so I tried to get the sobs under control. Unfortunately, though, they noticed. "It's okay, Edward," Emmett shushed, while Rosalie brushed my hair out of my face. "You can cry. We understand."

And I did. For a full two hours I cried over you, and our lost love. I cried over the fact that you had left me, and, as childish as it may sound, I cried over the fact you had left me for my enemy, someone who I had to hate even if you had stayed with me. Jasper came back that night, and so did Alice. They arrived half way through my break down, holding me as best they could with Rosalie and Emmett's arms still around me. In those moments I clung to my siblings for it seemed they were all I had. Meanwhile, Carlisle and Esme watched from the doorway, sending me comforting thoughts and reminding that I was loved. Even though I didn't want to, I believed them. Because even if I wasn't loved by you, I was loved by many others.

I was better after that, well, I wasn't much better but my emotions were under enough control that Jasper could comfortably stay within a three mile radius of me. Charlie came over regularly, and I couldn't believe the kindness he showed me. It seemed that you leaving me was what it took for him to forgive me for leaving you so many months ago.

Then... Then the invitation came - just a mere seven months after we had sent out our own.

Your wedding. To him. The invitation was nice - not nearly as nice as the ones Alice sent out for _our_ wedding - but nice enough. You invited all of us, which was really wishful thinking on your part. You didn't _honestly_ think Rosalie or Jasper would go, did you? Jasper wouldn't be able to go anywhere near _any_ of the mutts without his instincts going into overdrive and someone would end up dead. Rosalie... Well, she was never particularly fond of you - was she? And now, you'd left me for a dog. She felt completely justified in her hatred - and Emmett - her husband, her one and only - would never go against her.

Alice didn't quite _hate_ you, per se, just... Strongly _disliked_ you at this point. She refused to go as soon as the invitation arrived at our door. You had hurt her almost as much as you hurt me. You were her best and only friend outside of the family. She loved you, and you left her.

In the end, it was Carlisle, Esme and I who went. There had been a note on the back of the invitation that simply said: _'You are allowed on the reservation between 11am and 11pm. Nowhere outside that time frame. Otherwise, you have broken our deal.'_

In other words: _You stay past twelve hours and we kill you all, whether you attended the wedding or not._

It was written in Black's messy scrawl, so I assumed you had no knowledge of it. I wondered if you had knowledge of the fact we had received an invite at all. Either way, at 11am we crossed the border, and made our way to First Beach, where the wedding was being held. As usual, it was overcast, so we had no need to worry about the sun. When we got there, most of the guests were already seated, and most of them, including the humans, stared at us as we walked up. The humans, on your side, knew of our history, and were shocked that I had even been invited. The wolves growled at us lowly. Sam and Paul approached us quickly, glaring in warning. I stood in front of my parents, and held out the invitation. Sam took it from me and read over it, nodding as he read the note in the back. "That's Jake's hand writing, all right," He said, showing Paul, who also nodded. He turned to Carlisle. "I hope I can trust you to stick to the time limit?"

"Of course," Carlisle answered. "I doubt we will be here by eleven, anyway."

Sam nodded, and turned to show us to our seat. We followed him to the back of your side, where Carlisle and Esme immediately sat with their usual grace. But I turned back to Sam, and pulled a small box from my pocket. "For Bella and Jacob," I told him, and then hesitated. "...But mainly for Bella."

He nodded, turning it over in his hands. "What is it?" He asks, wondering whether or not it was a grenade that would hopefully kill the entire wolf pack. I barely contained my laugh.

"It's a bracelet," I told him truthfully. "I got it engraved... _Isabella Marie Black_."

He looked up in shock, understanding what I'm saying. I've accepted you and him together: you are meant to be together. He nodded, placing a warm hand on my shoulder before walking away. I sat next to my parents then, just as the bridesmaids and grooms men started to walk down the aisle. They were all beautiful, simply dressed in off-white cotton dresses with bare feet, and then men in casual suits without jackets and also lacking shoes. Your wedding with him was a lot more laid-back than ours would have been, and it suited you so much more.

And there you were, a breath taking, blushing beauty. You clutched Charlie's arm as if your life depended on it, staring straight ahead towards your future husband with a radiant smile. I could see it in your eyes - it was the way you used to look at me - that he was your whole world, and in that moment, no one else mattered.

Jacob's thoughts were going into overdrive by the time you reached where I was sitting. Seth Clearwater had to keep a hand on his shoulder to keep him in the present, he was so entranced by your beauty. I imagine I would have been the same way.

When you got to the end of the aisle, and Charlie placed your hand in Jacob's, Charlie finally spotted us as he turned back to his seat. For a moment he stumbled, and Sam steadied him. "Quite surprising, aren't they?" He whispered with a small smile, although it seemed strained (he was talking about us, after all), while my mother waved to your father.

I have to be honest here, love, I barely listened throughout the entire ceremony. Once or twice I caught Carlisle whispering the prayers along with the minister and the speakers, and shared a small chuckle with Esme, as my father was completely oblivious to us. But other than, I just sort of stared. Not even at you, really, which surprised me, but just... _around_. However, I was fully aware when the words "You may now kiss your bride" sounded throughout the small part of the beach. I looked up then, still not fully seeing you, and stood and clapped with everyone else. When you broke away from him, you were immediately hidden from view by the rest of the crowd, wanting to congratulate the happy couple. My parents joined the crowd too, but I stayed seated. Watching with my arms resting against the back of the bench.

"Hey, kid," Charlie said, stepping sideways to sit next to me. "How are you?"

"Alright," I replied. "Although... If I was twenty one and didn't have an over protective doctor for a dad I'd probably be drunk by the end of the night... Drunk by now, even."

Charlie laughed, but there was a hint of sadness to it. "I guess I would be too, in your position." I only shrugged in reply, and he left soon after.

Later, at the reception, I decided to make myself known to you. Carlisle had told me that they hadn't managed to get to you at the beach (we were now in some kind of meadow, close enough to the beach that even the humans could still hear the waves crashing against the rocks), and I determined from the wolves' thoughts that no one had told I was there. So I found you, dancing with Seth whom I had always liked, and asked if I could cut in. Seth smiled and said yes, gently passing you in to my arms. You looked shocked, and slightly scared that someone might come up and just behead and burn me there and then. "It's okay," I reassured you. "Jacob sent me an invitation. Carlisle and Esme are here. They couldn't get to you at the beach."

"Oh," Was your reply, relaxing slightly.

"Congratulations, Bella Black," I grinned, and you smiled shyly back.

You looked around again. "Thanks."

I sighed. "Bella... I'm not here to ruin the wedding. I got you a present, but I left it with Sam, he knows what it is so you'll be able to choose if you want it or not... I'm genuinely happy for you, Bella. Honestly. You're my friend."

Finally, a genuine smile graced your features. "Thank you," You said gratefully. "Thank you."

We danced without speaking until the song ended, and Carlisle and Esme came over to say hello. Then we left, at only 6pm. I couldn't bear to stay much longer, as even though I _was_ happy for you, I still wished you could have been happy with me. That night you left for your honeymoon, and I had a relapse in my emotions. Jasper had to leave the house again, but this time I didn't cry, just managed to calm down enough to make my brother happy enough to enter the house. We didn't hear about or from you for an entire nine months. Not until you were rushed into Forks hospital by your husband, who was demanding that my father deliver your babies. As you know, Carlisle happily complied, knowing that as they were wolf babies a normal doctor may find something abnormal that just couldn't be explained; potentially exposing us all. I was happy for you, and so was Rosalie. Even if she still hated you, she was happy you were living out the life she never got.

You know, even if I hadn't thought of Jacob inviting me to your wedding as rubbing it in a bit, it definitely felt like gloating on your part when you asked me to be godfather to your son and daughter. And when you asked Alice to be godmother! That was a cause of amusement for _weeks_ in our household. Surely the fact that she hadn't attended your wedding was indication enough of her feelings towards you?

She rejected your offer, and, as we all know, I sucked it up and accepted.

Then, we found it the babies names. EJ and Reneerah. Reneerah was pretty obvious, a cross between Renee and Sarah, yours and Jacob's mothers. But EJ... That couldn't mean what I thought, right?

I was right, to my dismay. You had named your son Edward Jacob Charlie Black.

Oh. Dear. Lord. Why?

It was at that point that I really wanted you to stop. It seemed that all you were doing was twisted the knife in deeper, cutting, breaking, _shattering_ my heart into the tiniest pieces. But again, I buried my feelings (much to my families' worry), and continued to act as though nothing was wrong, that what you were doing didn't hurt me at all. I kept visiting. I kept talking to you. I kept trying to make friends with Jacob. I even _babysat_ for you on date night. Of course, after a while my family had to leave Forks, but we didn't move far. My visits never faltered.

Your son's first word was 'Eddie'. I was there for your daughter's first steps. By three, they would come running outside squealing "Uncle Edward! Uncle Edward!" when I drove up. When he was fourteen, I bailed EJ out of jail for reasons I promised I would never tell you. When she was fifteen, I held Reneerah as she cried over her first heartbreak. I was always there, and between you and me, I never wanted to be.

Jacob knew this. That's why he kept inviting me over.

Now, your children are _sixteen_, and they're crying for you. Everyone is crying for you. But no one is crying harder than me.

At your funeral, your coffin was closed. When I walked up, Carlisle asked Charlie if he could open it, and he did, just for us. I will never forget the way your face was mutilated. The way your mouth curved down and your eye strained to the side. I will never forget the way his claw marks disappeared under the dress you wore, cutting through the skin of your chest. The cause of your death. At first I flinched, not wanting to look anymore. But then I placed the rose I had been holding next to you and gently brushed you scarred cheek with my fingers. "She's still beautiful," I murmured, and I heard our parents' deep sighs of mourning. Jasper and Emmett placed their hands on my shoulders, guiding me to my seat.

Just like with your wedding, I didn't listen in your funeral.

However, when your so called_ husband_ went up to speak, I began to tremble in anger. He had _killed_ you, and yet he had the audacity to show his face (even though it was only the supernatural in attendance that knew he had murdered you, and not a bear, as the humans had been told). Several rows away, your children began to tremble too, and as I delved into their minds I saw why. He had done it in front of them. You had been arguing with him, telling him he should stop inviting me round and tricking me into thinking you wanted me there just to torture me. Or at least, not invite me round _as much_. It seemed, that even though I had tried to become friends with him, he still loathed me, and his children begging you to not keep me away was the last straw. He snapped. He phased. He attacked. You died.

The worst part is, even though he murdered you; even though he killed you in the actual sense of the word, I _know_ you would forgive him. I _know_ you would. _"He didn't mean it"_ You'd say, and I can practically hear your voice in my ear. _"Don't blame him"_. _  
><em>

After the funeral, I took your children home with me, and they went gladly. They are angry at their father because you can't be. Because you _wouldn't_ be.

That was only a month ago.

So here I am, sitting alone with your two children downstairs, and your husband trying to knock down the front door, shouting about how we have kidnapped his precious kids. Even to this day, almost seventeen years later, I still can't believe you left me for the two enemies of a vampire:

A dog.

And death.

Why the Hell did you leave me?! I could have given you so much more than him. I know that now. I see it. Even though you wouldn't know the magic that are your children, if you had chosen me you would still be breathing, some way or another. I hate the fact you left me. Sometimes I hate you, but I love you at the same time.

I won't be seeing you soon; I will not leave your children so quickly after their mother's death. But know that I love you, and that I always will.

* * *

><p><em>From, your love...<em>

No. I'm not 'your love' anymore.

Am I?


End file.
